My Last Name, My Identity?

...do I have to change my last name?

When I was a kid, I HATED my name. My poor mom. I constantly asked her why she had to give me such a terrible name: it is VERY French and SUPER Catholic (two things which I'm REALLY not), it rhymes with nothing, and people mispronounce both my first and last name all the time. Heck, even I mispronounce my own name from time to time (which is why I never correct people. People like phonetics and English, who am I to say otherwise?). But then I got older. I grew to appreciate my unique name and what it stood for. 

My mom, whom I am especially close with, raised me as a single mom. I have her last name, not my father's. I share my last name with my grandfather and grandmother, two of the most special people in my life. My grandmother was a beloved elementary school teacher for many years. When she died in 2010, some of her students attended her funeral, remembering her as a teacher who truly changed their life. Now I have my own students calling me the same name of my grandmother (albeit I'm 'Miss' and she was 'Mrs.) It's a really special connection that I think about all the time. My last name gets all kinds of compliments and when people do say it right, they feel so proud of themselves, "Did I say it right? I did?! YAY!!" I love giving people that gratification. Plus, my name is alliterative, like Peter Parker or Mandy Moore! Gotta love that!

  

great alliterative names: Peter Parker, Mandy Moore and MINE!

Now it's time for me to consider what my new married name will be. Historically, women have given up their last name and adopted their husbands, we all know that. Every other woman in my large extended family has taken their husband's name. But if I give up my name, I feel like I will be giving up a huge part of my identity: my connection to my mom and grandparents, my cool teacher name, my talking point with strangers, my alliteration. However, I always thought I would share a name with my husband and my new family. Joel's last name though... it's no MY last name. My unique, one-in-a-million, very French, very Catholic last name. The name I've been known for my entire life. The name on my degrees. My identity.

Lots of colleagues have talked at the lunch table about the importance of taking your husband's last name: it's a way to be connected and establish your family. Their point is pretty convincing. They would then turn to me and ask my plans, and I would sheepishly say, "I was thinking of keeping my name?" and then they backpedal like crazy, "Oh no, you should totally do that!" ...thanks, guys. So helpful. 

It's hard for me to think that a majority of our society thinks that women need to give up a part of their identity in order to establish a family. It feels like I would literally be ripping off an appendage if I had to give my name up. Of course, Joel isn't forcing me to give up my name. He loves my current name, and he doesn't want me to feel like I have to change it. I appreciate his support, but I am still struggling because I feel like I'm surrounded by name-change encouragers! 

It's a crazy difficult decision to make! I know I'm not the only one struggling with this decision. As more and more states overturn bans on gay marriages, there are more and more couples navigating the tricky name change waters. On gaymanners.com, one woman asked about the "new" traditions around gay and lesbian couples working through the whole name change process. Here was their response:

read the whole article here

The Gay Manners website totally helped me think with a whole new clarity on my name. Basically, I feel like I'm picking between the first two options. I'm either going to...

• Keep my name (no change at all) 
• Hyphenate (Mrs. Marie Mylastname-Hislastname)

If I go with the second option, my new last name would be 16 letters long - yikes! But I think it may be worth it to keep my name a part of me while also establishing a connection with Joel and his family. When we have kids, we may have to have another difficult conversation about names (I'm also the last of the grandchildren who can have a boy and carry on the name), but we have some time before we worry about that. 

What did you decide to do about your last name? Change it immediately, pull a Sarah Michelle Gellar and change it in 5 years, kept your name? Let's hear about it! I need more options!